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[|IMDb] = [|Dumb & Dumber] ([|1994]) [|More at **IMDbPro**] » = [|ad feedback]**[|Lloyd]**: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her. [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.

[//after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!

**[|Harry]**: So you got fired again, eh? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
 * [|Harry]**: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
 * [|Harry]**: No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Hey, chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.

[//to the dogs in his van//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: OK gang, you know the rules, no humping, no licking, no sniffing hineys.

**[|Lloyd]**: All we need to do is show a little class, a little sophistication, and we're in like a dirty shirt. [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: No problem, Lloyd. We can be classy and sophistic-Oh check out the funbags on that hosehound.
 * [|Lloyd]**: I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.

**[|Harry]**: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this. [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: I was thinking the same thing. That John Denver's full of shit, man.

**[|Lloyd]**: If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets. [|Share this quote]

**[|Harry]**: Hi, Lloyd. [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: Hi, Harry.
 * [|Harry]**: How was your day?
 * [|Lloyd]**: Not bad. Fell off the jet way again.

**[|Harry]**: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip! [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.

**[|Harry]**: Skis, huh? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Beth]**: That's right!
 * [|Harry]**: Great! They yours?
 * [|Beth]**: Uh-huh.
 * [|Harry]**: Both of 'em?
 * [|Beth]**: Yes.
 * [|Harry]**: Ah... cool!

**[|Lloyd]**: We got no food, no jobs... our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!" [|Share this quote]

[//Harry and Lloyd are spending the evening in a romantic-themed motel//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: I don't know, Lloyd. These places always seem to bring back a lot of bad memories.
 * [|Lloyd]**: What's the matter, Har? Some little fillie break your heart?
 * [|Harry]**: No, it was a girl.

**[|Lloyd]**: Mary... I desperately wanna make love to a school boy. [|Share this quote]

**[|Lloyd]**: Excuse me, Flo? [//Harry and Lloyd crack up//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: Flo, like the TV show. Uh, what is the Soup Du Jour?
 * [|Flo, Waitress #1]**: It's the Soup of the Day.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Mmmm. That sounds good. I'll have that.

**[|Lloyd]**: That's a lovely accent you have. New Jersey? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lady at bus stop]**: Austria.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!
 * [|Lady at bus stop]**: Let's not.

**[|Lloyd]**: This isn't my real job, you know. [|Share this quote]
 * [|Mary]**: No?
 * [|Lloyd]**: Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up to open our own pet store.
 * [|Mary]**: That's nice.
 * [|Lloyd]**: I got worms!
 * [|Mary]**: I beg your pardon?
 * [|Lloyd]**: That's what we're gonna call it. "I Got Worms!" We're gonna specialize in selling worm farms. You know, like ant farms.

**[|Lloyd]**: Well suck me sideways! [|Share this quote]

**[|Harry]**: Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. [|Share this quote]

**[|Airport Clerk]**: Sir, you can't go in there! [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: It's ok, I'm a limo driver!

**[|Harry]**: One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu. [|Share this quote]
 * [|Mary]**: Really? That's weird.
 * [|Harry]**: Yeah, we called it a bullshit.

**[|Lloyd]**: What do you think the chances are of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together? [//pause//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Mary]**: Well, Lloyd, that's difficult to say. I mean, we don't really...
 * [|Lloyd]**: Hit me with it! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
 * [|Mary]**: Not good.
 * [|Lloyd]**: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
 * [|Mary]**: I'd say more like one out of a million.
 * [|Lloyd]**: So you're telling me there's a chance... *YEAH!*

**[|Lloyd]**: What the hell are we doing here, Harry? We gotta get out of this town! [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: Oh yeah, and go where? Where are we gonna go?
 * [|Lloyd]**: I'll tell you where. Someplace warm. A place where the beer flows like wine. Where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talking about a little place called Aspen.
 * [|Harry]**: Oh, I don't know, Lloyd. The French are assholes.

**[|Lloyd]**: So where are you headin'? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Mary]**: Aspen.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!

**[|Lloyd]**: I'll bet you twenty bucks I can get you gambling before the end of the day! [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: No way!
 * [|Lloyd]**: I'll give you three to one odds.
 * [|Harry]**: No.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Five to one.
 * [|Harry]**: No.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Ten to one?
 * [|Harry]**: You're on!
 * [|Lloyd]**: I'm gonna get ya!
 * [|Harry]**: Nuh uh!
 * [|Lloyd]**: I don't know how, but I'm gonna get ya.

**[|Harry]**: Nice set of hooters you got there! [|Share this quote]
 * [|Mary]**: I beg your pardon?
 * [|Harry]**: The owls! They're beautiful!

[//coming out of the 7-11//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: Hey guys. Woah, Big Gulps, huh? All right! Well, see ya later.

**[|Harry]**: I don't get it, Lloyd. She told me ten o' clock, sharp! Are you sure you went to the right bar? [//sighs//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: Yep. I'm pretty sure. Lobby bar right by the lobby.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Maybe she just had a change of heart.
 * [|Harry]**: Oh, that pisses me off! That pisses me right off! I hate when women do that. She wanted to see you again! And now no? Now... Wait a minute! Wait! She must have meant ten o' clock at night!
 * [|Lloyd]**: Do you think...?
 * [|Harry]**: Why would she have you meet her in a bar at ten in the morning?
 * [|Lloyd]**: I just figured she was a raging alcoholic.

**[|Lloyd]**: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Mary]**: How'd you guess?
 * [|Lloyd]**: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.

**[|Sea Bass' Friend]**: Kick his ass, Sea Bass! [|Share this quote]

**[|Lloyd]**: Hey, look, the Monkees. They were a huge influence on the Beatles. [|Share this quote]

[//man and woman walk by//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: Ooh, look at the buns on that one...
 * [|Lloyd]**: Yeah, he must work out.

**[|Lloyd]**: You're it. [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: You're it.
 * [|Lloyd]**: You're it, quitsies!
 * [|Harry]**: Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies!
 * [|Lloyd]**: You can't do that!
 * [|Harry]**: Can too!
 * [|Lloyd]**: Cannot, stamp it!
 * [|Harry]**: Can too, double stamp it, no erasies!
 * [|Lloyd]**: Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true.
 * [|Harry]**: No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd!
 * [|Lloyd]**: [//hands over ears//] LA LA LA LA LA LA!
 * [|Harry]**: LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD!

**[|Mary]**: Okay, how do you guys know each other? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: We used to be best friends.
 * [|Harry]**: Yeah, until he turned into a back-stabber.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Me, a back-stabber? You've got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her!
 * [|Harry]**: Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it?
 * [|Lloyd]**: What do you mean?
 * [|Harry]**: "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today.
 * [|Lloyd]**: You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now.
 * [|Harry]**: You just tell me where to sign, bud.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Right on my ass after you kiss it!
 * [|Harry]**: You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips, right here!

**[|Harry]**: According to the map we've only gone 4 inches. [|Share this quote]

**[|Mary]**: So you'll pick me up tonight at seven forty-five? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: Well I got a few things to take care of. So how about we make it quarter to eight?
 * [|Mary]**: [//laughs//] Stop it
 * [|Harry]**: Okay. Seven forty-five

**[|Lloyd]**: I'm only human, Harry! Come on! Stop being a baby. So we backtracked a tad! [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!
 * [|Lloyd]**: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sitting here whining about it. We're in a hole. We're just going to have to dig ourselves out.

**[|State Trooper]**: Pullover! [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: No, it's a cardigan but thanks for noticing.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Yeah, killer boots man!

**[|Harry]**: I can't believe it. [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat.
 * [|Harry]**: But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Not if you count the gurgling sound.

**[|Lloyd]**: [//sees framed newspaper article about moon landing//] No Way! That's Great... [//chuckles//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: WE'VE LANDED ON THE MOON!

[//while looking back at Mary//] [//Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...
 * [|Mary]**: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?
 * [|Lloyd]**: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.

**[|Mental]**: Gas man. How the hell did they know that I got gas? [|Share this quote]

**[|Mrs. Neugeboren]**: Where have you been? My dogs were supposed to be here FORTY minutes ago! Now, I hardly have any time to primp them! [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: Don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Noogieburger.
 * [|Mrs. Neugeboren]**: NEUGEBOREN!

**[|Harry]**: What's her last name? I'll look it up. [//He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: You know, I don't really recall. Starts with an S! Let's see. Swim? Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson?
 * [|Harry]**: Maybe it's on the briefcase.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Oh, yeah! It's right here.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Samsonite! I was way off! I knew it started with an S, though.

**[|Dale's Man]**: They're driving an '84... Sheepdog. [|Share this quote]

**[|Lloyd]**: Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world? [|Share this quote]

**[|Lloyd]**: [//to motorcycle cop//] Tic-Tac, sir? [|Share this quote]

**[|Beth]**: So I told myself. Beth you just got to run girl and oh you know what that clutz did next? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: No and I DON'T CARE!

**[|Lloyd]**: We don't usually pick up hitchhikers... but I'm-a gonna go with my instincts on this one. Saddle up partner! [|Share this quote]

[//checking Harry & Lloyd's apartment//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Mental]**: Briefcase ain't here, they must've taken it with them.
 * [|J.P. Shay]**: Well, he's gotta come home sometime.
 * [|Mental]**: Maybe we should trash the place, send them a little message.
 * [|J.P. Shay]**: [//looks around//] I don't think he's gonna get that message Joe, I mean, the guy's got worms in his living room.

**[|Lloyd]**: Mock [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: Yeah!
 * [|Lloyd]**: Ing
 * [|Harry]**: Yeah!
 * [|Lloyd]**: Bird
 * [|Harry]**: Yeah!
 * [|Lloyd]**: Yeah!
 * [|Harry]**: Yeah!

**[|Lloyd]**: She actually talked to me. [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: Get outta here!

**[|State Trooper]**: You fellas been doing a bit of boozing, have you? Suckin back on grandpa's old cough medicine? [|Share this quote]

**[|Lloyd]**: Some people just aren't cut out for life on the road. [|Share this quote]

**[|Harry]**: Yesterday was one of the greatest days of my life. Mary and I went skiing, we made a snowman, she touched my leg... [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: Okay, Kill Him!

**[|Harry]**: What's in the briefcase? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: Man, I would have to be a real lowlife to go rooting around in someone else's private property.
 * [|Harry]**: Is it locked?
 * [|Lloyd]**: Yeah. Really well.

**[|Harry]**: Where's the booze? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming.
 * [|Harry]**: Oh, no, no.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Come on, Harry.
 * [|Harry]**: It gets worse. My parakeet, Petey.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Yeah?
 * [|Harry]**: He's dead.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Oh, man, I'm sorry. What happened?
 * [|Harry]**: His head fell off.
 * [|Lloyd]**: His head fell off?
 * [|Harry]**: Yeah. He was pretty old.

**[|Lloyd]**: I get 70 miles to the gallon on this hog. [|Share this quote]

**[|Lloyd]**: I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask." [|Share this quote]

**[|Lloyd]**: Excuse me, little old lady. Do you have change for a dollar? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Elderly woman]**: Change? No I'm sorry, I don't.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Well, can you do me a favor and watch my stuff here while I go break a dollar?
 * [|Elderly woman]**: Of course.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Thanks. Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!

**[|Lloyd]**: [//after a confrontation with Sea Bass//] You really wimped out, man. [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: What are you talking about, wimped out? Wha... Did you s... The guy hawked on my burger!

[//first lines//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: Excuse me. Could you tell me how to get to the medical school? I'm supose to be giving a lecture in 20 minutes, and my driver's a bit lost.

**[|Beth]**: [//at the gas station//] Uh sir, you're... you're spraying everywhere... [|Share this quote]

**[|Mental]**: Shut up! Now we don't even know who the hell they are! You don't kill people you don't know. That's a rule. [|Share this quote]

**[|Lloyd]**: [//Opening the door on Nicholas Andre, who he thinks is a hotel employee//] We have plenty of towels - thank you! [|Share this quote]

**[|Mary]**: [//after hearing on TV about the kid who bought a dead bird//] Who are these sick people? [|Share this quote]

**[|Harry]**: Weirdo. [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: Sucker of big, brown dirty eggs.
 * [|Harry]**: Moron.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Raider of the lost fart.
 * [|Harry]**: Buttfish.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Masterbatorio... er, soiler of towels.
 * [|Nicholas Andre]**: SHUT UP!

**[|Beth]**: I'm gonna give you my number. Let's see if I can find it... [//notices his left leg is on fire//] [//Harry repeats it almost silently//] [//Beth drives off, and Harry stomps away to the bathroom to put the fire out//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: Great!
 * [|Harry]**: Ha!
 * [|Beth]**: Okay. I know I left it in here somewhere.
 * [|Harry]**: [//stomping his left leg//] Look! Why don't you just tell it to me! I have a really good memory!
 * [|Beth]**: Well, the number is 555-...
 * [|Beth]**: ...-905 - . Oh wait! That's my home number. That is so weird how your mind just goes plain...
 * [|Harry]**: [//gets impatient, still trying to stomp the fire out//] FOR GOD'S SAKE! JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN NUMBER!
 * [|Beth]**: [//looks at Harry appalled//] Okay. Look guy! You're gonna get pushy, FORGET ABOUT IT!

**[|Harry]**: Who's got the foot long? [|Share this quote]

**[|Lloyd]**: Husband? Wait a minute... what was all that 'one in a million' talk? [|Share this quote]

**[|Harry]**: You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? [|Share this quote]

**[|Lloyd]**: [//to Harry//] How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later. [|Share this quote]

**[|Lloyd]**: [//Harry is choking him barehanded on a picnic table in Aspen//] Harry-your hands are freezing! [|Share this quote]

**[|Lloyd]**: Don't you go dying on me! [|Share this quote]

**[|Lloyd]**: It's okay! I'm a limo driver! [|Share this quote]

**[|Lloyd]**: Hmmm, Calafornia. Beautiful... [|Share this quote]

**[|Harry]**: [//shivering//] Lloyd, I can't feel my fingers, they're numb! [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: Oh well here, take this extra pair of gloves, my hands are starting to get a little sweaty.
 * [|Harry]**: Extra gloves? You've had extra gloves this whole time?
 * [|Lloyd]**: Uh yea, we are in the Rockies. Jeez!

**[|Anxious Man at Phone]**: [//pacing outside of phone booth occupied by Mental//] I had plans. I had things I wanted to do. This is where it all ends in a phone booth. [//bangs on the glass//] [//Mental ignores him//] [//starts to bang on glass again//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Anxious Man at Phone]**: Sir, did you ever hear of the concept of other people? Um, me, being that for the phone, sir...
 * [|Anxious Man at Phone]**: You turned your back on me, Ooh Ooh! He got me mad, I almost like it.
 * [|Anxious Man at Phone]**: The damage I can do to you. Because you were spiteful. I didn't wanna... That's not your problem. You didn't know... Get off the phone... get-off-the-pho...

**[|Lloyd]**: [//as he leaves a convenience store, Lloyd encounters two black guys//] Hey, guys. Oh, Big Gulps, huh? All right... Well, see you later! [|Share this quote]

**[|Harry]**: [//on seeing the dogs covered in food//] You know, on second thought, you might just want to run a comb through 'em. [|Share this quote]

**[|Harry]**: Where did you get those? [//cough//] [//cuts to shot of Billy's hands stroking the stiff bird with it's head wrapped in scotch tape//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: I bought them when we filled up.
 * [|Harry]**: We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd! We are on a very tight budget.
 * [|Lloyd]**: This didn't come out of our travel fund.
 * [|Harry]**: Oh.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.
 * [|Harry]**: Where did you get 25 extra becks?
 * [|Lloyd]**: I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4C.
 * [|Harry]**: The blind kid?
 * [|Lloyd]**: Yeah, ha ha! Yeah.
 * [|Harry]**: What did you sell him Lloyd?
 * [|Lloyd]**: Stuff.
 * [|Harry]**: What kinda stuff?
 * [|Lloyd]**: I don't know, a few baseball cards, a sack of marbles,
 * [|Lloyd]**: Petey.
 * [|Harry]**: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head!
 * [|Lloyd]**: Harry, I took care of it...
 * [|Billy]**: Pretty bird. Yes, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yeah pretty bird... Polly want a cracker?

**[|Harry]**: What's with the briefcase? [//imitates beam noise//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: A love momento. The most beautiful woman alive. I drove her to the airport. Sparks flew. Emotions ran high. She actually talked to me, man!
 * [|Harry]**: [//flabbergasted//] Get outta here.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Oh yeah. Tractor beam
 * [|Lloyd]**: sucked me right in. Anyway, she left this in the terminal and flew to Aspen and out of my life.
 * [|Harry]**: What's in it?
 * [|Lloyd]**: Man, I would have to be a lowlife to go routing around in someone else's private property.
 * [|Harry]**: Is it locked?
 * [|Lloyd]**: Yeah, really well.

**[|Lloyd]**: [//a large bus full of gorgeous women in bikinis pull up beside them and three step out//] [//the doors close and the bus drives off. After a second, Lloyd turns to Harry//] [//they run after the bus//] [//the bus stops and opens the doors//] [|Share this quote]
 * [|Bikini Girl]**: Hi guys. We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us off before each competition.
 * [|Harry]**: You are in luck! There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
 * [|Bikini Girl]**: [//baffled//] Okay, thanks.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Do you realize what you've done?
 * [|Lloyd]**: HEY! HEY!
 * [|Harry]**: Lloyd! Lloyd!
 * [|Lloyd]**: [//panting//] You'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow. The town is back *that* way.

**[|Harry]**: Would you like an atomic pepper, Mr. Mentalino? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Mental]**: Nah, you guys go ahead.
 * [|Harry]**: I'll do it if you will, Lloyd.
 * [|Lloyd]**: Okay. You go first.
 * [|Harry]**: No no. You go first.
 * [|Lloyd]**: You go first.
 * [|Harry]**: You go first! I always go first!
 * [|Lloyd]**: You go first!
 * [|Mental]**: Why don't you guys both stop acting like a couple of pussies and go at the same time, huh?
 * [|Lloyd]**: That sounds like a dare, Har.
 * [|Mental]**: It's a *double* dare!
 * [|Harry]**: Yeah, okay. You're on!

**[|Mental]**: Feeling better, girls? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: Yes, much better! Thank you for asking!

**[|Lloyd]**: I want to ask you a question... straight out, flat out... and I want you to give me an honest answer. What do you think the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Mary]**: Well Lloyd... that's difficult to say... you really don't...
 * [|Lloyd]**: Hit me! Just give it to me straight! I came a long way just to see you Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
 * [|Mary]**: Not good.
 * [|Lloyd]**: [//Gulps//] You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
 * [|Mary]**: I'd say more like... one out of a million.
 * [|Lloyd]**: So you're telling me there's a chance. Yeah!

**[|Harry]**: I thought the Rocky Mountains would be a little rockier than this. [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: Yeah, that John Denver is full of shit, man.

**[|Harry]**: Flush you bastard. [|Share this quote]

**[|Mary]**: This is incredible. You mean to say you drove 2000 miles, just for me? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: I-I didn't really have a-a lot to do... and I know how frustrating it can be to lose a bag.

**[|Lloyd]**: You spilled the salt, that's what's the matter! Spilling the salt is very bad luck! We're driving across the country, the last thing we need is bad luck. Quick, toss some salt over your right shoulder. [|Share this quote]
 * [|Harry]**: [//Tosses the entire salt shaker over his shoulder//]
 * [|Sea Bass]**: What the hell? Who's the dead man that hit me with the salt shaker?

**[|Lloyd]**: Listen, Mr. Samsonite, about the briefcase, my friend Harry and I have every intention of fully reimbursing you. [|Share this quote]
 * [|Nicholas Andre]**: Open it up. Open it up!
 * [|Lloyd]**: [//Motioning to Mary//] Go ahead, open it up. Do what he says. Hurry.
 * [|Nicholas Andre]**: What is this? What is this? Where's all the money?
 * [|Lloyd]**: That's as good as money, sir. Those are I.O.U.'s. Go ahead and add it up, every cent's accounted for. Look, see this? That's a car. 275 thou. Might wanna hang onto that one.

**[|Harry]**: That was genius, Lloyd, sheer genius. I mean where did you come up with a scam like that? [|Share this quote]
 * [|Lloyd]**: Saw it in a movie once.
 * [|Harry]**: That's incredible! So what happened, so the guy tricks some sucker into picking up his tab and gets away with it scott free?
 * [|Lloyd]**: No, in the movie, they catch up to him half mile down the road and slit his throat! Hahaha! It was a good one.

**[|Lloyd]**: [//after getting off the moped with Harry frozen to his back//] Got a little nippy going through the pass, huh Har?